Stupid is as Stupid Does: It's the real thing!

No, go ahead. Soak it in. It’s black. It’s white. It’s fairly tall. Tall-ish. If you want to get technical, according to its title, it’s “Large.” The question is, is it $35 million worth of “Large”?
Proving that the global recession remains an abstraction to some people, Andy Warhol’s painting of a Coke bottle, entitled Coca-Cola (4) (Large Coca-Cola) sold on Tuesday for $35.67 million (CDN). That was more than $10 million higher than the pre-auction estimate. The anonymous buyer purchased the artwork in a phone bid.
In an advertorial video released ahead of Tuesday night’s auction in New York, Sotheby’s contemporary art expert and Bond villain Tobias Meyer praised the 1962 work as “one of the key paintings of the 20th century.”
Later that same day, Meyer lost his briefcase. Asked to describe it at the Lost & Found department of the New York City Transit Authority, he baritoned, “You can’t miss it. It’s one of the key briefcases in the history of New York City commuting.”
First, pity the guy who had to shoot this video. There are only so many ways to zoom in and out on a colourless replica of a Coke bottle. Arguably, there’s only one way. And this guy came up with a 147 ways. So he deserves some credit.
Meyer? No credit.
Because his job here is to justify why someone should spend one-tenth the GDP of Tonga on a bus-shelter ad. So suddenly, he gets all Masterpiece Theatre on us.
“In my own research (i.e. in my unpaid intern’s research) on this painting, I came upon his own diaries that were published in the late ’70s,” Meyer says, brandishing pages. “He talks about this very painting and what happened. I will read it because it makes everything very, very clear (i.e. it makes Sotheby’s very, very rich).”
Now, if you’re the sort of person who reads this and starts choking on your sandwich when you get to the price tag, stop reading. Seriously. Stop reading. This will make you crazy. This could push you over crazy and into violence.
If you’re an aspiring artist, this will drive you to tears for a whole different bunch of reasons.
Speaking in Warhol’s voice, Meyer breathlessly recounts how a buddy of Warhol’s showed up at his home/studio one day, where he’s taken in to look at a pair of paintings. Both are paintings of Coke bottles. One’s roughed out, with hash marks. One is basically a linear copy.
“Well, look, Andy,” the friend, filmmaker Emile De Antonio, says. “One of these is a piece of sh--. Simply a bit of everything. The other one is remarkable. It is our society. It is who we are. It is absolutely beautiful and naked.”
Somehow, Warhol resisted the urge to punch this guy. Instead, he nodded sagely and thought, “Some day I’m going to be able to afford a really bitchin’ wig.”
“So you see from this text,” Meyer says, arms now moving up and down like he’s conducting an orchestra, “that Andy took it to heart.” (Meaningful pause.) “And this is the painting that he would go out into the public with, because at that very moment pop art was born . . . It is art history in itself.”
It gets way better. Meyer clearly feels that he needs to stop talking about history and start getting arty on us.
“What’s astonishing about this picture (i.e. what’s not astonishing at all) . . . there are so many things, apart from it being so stark (i.e. boring) and so impressive (i.e. it’s a painting of a Coke bottle),” Meyer said, building to something. “It’s over life-size. The Coca-Cola bottle is bigger than I am.”
It’s bigger than I am. Or you! Or you! Even you, Andre the Giant! Okay. Maybe not you.
A couple of years ago, I put together an IKEA bookshelf that would make Tobias Meyer pee his pants.
“It’s meant to stand and stare at you, almost as a human being would,” Meyer continues, comfortable in the knowledge that if he ever says this sort of thing to someone who doesn’t work in the art business, he is in physical danger.
“Then what you see is Coca-Cola (is written) twice,” Meyer says. “He uses it on the bottle . . . but he uses it again, up here . . . and then to make it even more abstract, or less painterly, so to speak, this is Letraset. This is not hand-painted.”
I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! TOBIAS MEYER SAID THESE THINGS IN FRONT OF A CAMERA!
“Here then, you have this sort of iconic pop symbol that, in a way, really plays with perfection. Plays also in the anthromorphic image of the bottle. Because Andy was deeply interested in stardom, deeply interested in celebrity. What he’s saying is that what he loves about Coca-Cola is that everybody drinks it.”
Did I mention that Coca-Cola is written twice?
There’s more. I’m too frustrated to continue.
To whoever bought this painting – please, enjoy. I’m sure it’ll look great in the lobby of your massive insurance conglomerate - note: you’re an idiot.